When emotions go from 0-100
When emotions go from nothing – I’m feeling fine - to whoa – I can’t possibly handle this – what do we do? How are we supposed to cope with that and why does this happen.
What Is Emotional Dysregulation?
When emotions go from nothing – I’m feeling fine – to whoa – I can’t possibly handle this – what do we do? How are we supposed to cope with that and why does this happen.
What is Emotional Dysregulation?
Emotional dysregulation is when individuals experience their emotions intensely and struggle to manage them. They get overwhelmed. Responses can vary depending on what the emotion is from deep rage, sorrow and panic to name a few.
Why Does This Happen?
In response to events we experience an internal physiological reaction. There is a cue and this fires off
Why Intense Emotions Often Make Sense
What is important is that this is a communication – our emotions exist to communicate something to us – maybe that someone has treated us poorly, we have lost something or someone dear to us or we are just plain scared. However what we do find is that the intensity of our emotions – that 100% – doesn’t necessarily align with what has happened. We get called dramatic, over the top – and sometimes we end up being dismissed by others and that hurts and we then feel even worse…
The Role of Childhood and Relationships
So – first – why does this happen. It’s, as is often the case that mixture between nature and nurture. Some of us are just born more sensitive than others and it is a biological reality for us. That means we are going to have that sensitivity – and it is not all down to our genes. The environment we are in and grew up in also has an impact on our ability to regulate. Emotional regulation is a skill. If your primary care givers didn’t demonstrate it to you – then the likelihood is that you will also find it difficult. If, when you were distressed, you were pushed away, likely you learned not to express your emotions until they were really “big”. If you did manage to communicate your distress, only to be told, no you don’t feel that – again you’re left not really knowing how you feel and not having names for your emotions.
I remember when my daughter was about 4 years old and something had made her cross. She stormed up the stairs, thumping each step with her feet as she went up and said “I am very cross with you”. My response was to praise her for communicating her anger to me.
Understanding the Emotion Beneath the Reaction
This is often where we start when it comes to emotion regulation – what is the emotion – what is it called and what is it trying to tell us.
So, let’s say for example a friend of yours doesn’t get back to you after you have messaged them. Your interpretation may be that they are ignoring you, which could make you angry and then you call them up and shout at them or maybe you send loads of messages or maybe you block them…when actually, they may just have been busy. However the emotion that you feel underneath that anger is possibly sadness, loss of that connection with a friend. By validating that loss – I haven’t heard back from Jane and that makes me feel sad can actually reduce that intensity and then allow you to think about other reasons you haven’t heard back from Jane – she is working, she is picking up the kids, she had a dentist appointment etc.
If you’re wondering why you may feel emotions intensely. I have written another blog on this – Why do I feel my emotions so intensely,
How DBT Helps
DBT helps you learn the emotional regulation skills that you need – it isn’t about not feeling the emotion – DBT is not about that – it is about noticing what is coming up for you and managing that in a way that is connected and aligned to your future goals. Emotions aren’t the problem in themselves – if your house is on fire you need to get out and fear helps us to do that. We need emotions as without them we wouldn’t be human, the difficulty is if they are too intense or we don’t feel them at all then we don’t know how to respond. DBT helps you to learn recognise and respond to them how we choose to.
Final Thoughts
So, if you find yourself going from 1-100, possibly losing friends or having difficulties in your relationships with others because you struggle to understand your emotions and communicate them to others AND you would like to learn some skills so that you can experience an emotion without being overwhelmed by it, then maybe DBT might be helpful to you. If you recognise aspects of yourself above and you would like to explore DBT, then please get in touch for a consultation.